half-tricky, half-referencely

It seems like I can't even fight for a thing, can't make myself do a thing, often i do not keep the promises I made even to my own self...
I want my hair to be bright purple. Or blue. Or green. So noone in this world would think I am steady and calm.
It seems that I am weak and hysterical. I'm getting even more sure about that when I get into a trouble. Those situations also prove to me that I can't fight for anything.
I want my eyes to be brightly green. Cat's eyes. Shining in the dark. Then people would fear me even more. And then there would be an explanation to it. Cause then I would look like if I am absolutely not calm, not even a steady person.
It seems that I can't even explain a thing and talk half-tricky, half-referencely, not understanding that people only stay silent cause they haven't understood some words, and sure, have no idea what the whole phrase might mean.
I want the sky to be bloody red. With lilac. Raspberry pink. And violet. So not a single thing in this lights would somehow remind me of a real world.